Philosophical Bullshit-O-Meter set to 9, again
I was a a going-away dinner Sunday night when the guest of honor introduced me to someone with the explanation that she too is mourning a close friend and maybe we could talk.
I'll have to admit the first thing that came to mind was, "But the food just came...and I'm hungry..." But I bucked up and briefly told her the Beth story, and she told me her story, which happened a month more recently.
She wanted to know what, if anything, I'd taken/learned from the loss. So, trying to look meaningfully at her instead of longingly at my food, I played Guru On The Mountaintop and gave her the cliche-ridden but sincere litany: appreciate your life, appreciate your relationships, don't assume, do things now instead of later, every day you wake up in the morning is a good day, the glass is already broken, etc.
And it was then that I realized I've really got my shit together these days. Because I know exactly what I've learned from lousy things, rather than stumbling in the dark wondering if there's any good in any of it.
There's a letter in Salon's advice column today, from a man who writes, "I survived my parents dying. I survived being in the Army and having to fight in a conflict I did not believe in. I survived my best friend committing suicide, but I can't seem to heal past this" -- "this" being his long-time girlfriend leaving him. Among other things, Salon's advice maven replies:
"It could be that you never actually beat those past events or rose above them, but simply survived them. So they are still hurting you. Perhaps this breakup is sort of the straw that broke the camel's back. If so, that's not a dangerous thing necessarily. It just means it's really time to come to grips with loss.
"When you can no longer carry every burden like a man, when you can no longer soldier on, when you can no longer absorb every blow, then it's time to begin a new phase of life in which you acknowledge the loss. You stop being a soldier and become a philosopher. Instead of battling, you look for meaning. You look for the connections. With compassion, you examine your wounds to see exactly how they happened, what hit you, and from what direction; where were you standing and why were you there? Were you ordered to be there or had you just wandered into the jungle? Were you on a mission? Was someone trying to kill you or was it an accident?
"This, I think, is the true healing phase. It's not time that's doing it. It's you."
Amen.
I was a a going-away dinner Sunday night when the guest of honor introduced me to someone with the explanation that she too is mourning a close friend and maybe we could talk.
I'll have to admit the first thing that came to mind was, "But the food just came...and I'm hungry..." But I bucked up and briefly told her the Beth story, and she told me her story, which happened a month more recently.
She wanted to know what, if anything, I'd taken/learned from the loss. So, trying to look meaningfully at her instead of longingly at my food, I played Guru On The Mountaintop and gave her the cliche-ridden but sincere litany: appreciate your life, appreciate your relationships, don't assume, do things now instead of later, every day you wake up in the morning is a good day, the glass is already broken, etc.
And it was then that I realized I've really got my shit together these days. Because I know exactly what I've learned from lousy things, rather than stumbling in the dark wondering if there's any good in any of it.
There's a letter in Salon's advice column today, from a man who writes, "I survived my parents dying. I survived being in the Army and having to fight in a conflict I did not believe in. I survived my best friend committing suicide, but I can't seem to heal past this" -- "this" being his long-time girlfriend leaving him. Among other things, Salon's advice maven replies:
"It could be that you never actually beat those past events or rose above them, but simply survived them. So they are still hurting you. Perhaps this breakup is sort of the straw that broke the camel's back. If so, that's not a dangerous thing necessarily. It just means it's really time to come to grips with loss.
"When you can no longer carry every burden like a man, when you can no longer soldier on, when you can no longer absorb every blow, then it's time to begin a new phase of life in which you acknowledge the loss. You stop being a soldier and become a philosopher. Instead of battling, you look for meaning. You look for the connections. With compassion, you examine your wounds to see exactly how they happened, what hit you, and from what direction; where were you standing and why were you there? Were you ordered to be there or had you just wandered into the jungle? Were you on a mission? Was someone trying to kill you or was it an accident?
"This, I think, is the true healing phase. It's not time that's doing it. It's you."
Amen.
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