Ask Dr. Frazz

May I proudly present, Election Night: The Drinking Game

If nothing else, evidence of what happens when you're still passing notes with your high school friends 15 years later.

I'll take "Potpourri" for $200, Alex

Political quote of the day, from Jake at Lying Media Bastards: "I don't care if Mary Cheney is attracted to men, women, or baked potatoes. Her father is an evil fuck, and that's all I need to know. Can we get to the important stuff now?"

Runner up, from a crazy Jewish man: "Of course, I wish President Bush would increase funds for stem cell research. But if Israel is not safe and secure, what do I care about abortion and fresh air?"

(Now I'm bracing for hate mail from Google-happy cranks who'll assume I'm an anti-Semite. You know, like how 9/11 must not have bothered me at all if I'm tired of terrorism being used as a political wedge.)

***

In other dubious news, my ever-entertaining political mailing lists are now encouraging me to vote absentee. The rationale is that by voting absentee:
1) You'll have a paper trail (unlike with touchscreen machines).
2) You'll be able to do other things on Election Day like give people rides to the polls and answer any personal work/home emergencies that come up.
3) It'll give your candidate warm fuzzies to have votes already before November 2 even comes.
4) Polling places are going to be overwhelmed on Election Day.

I have no good argument against #1 except that if the election is going to be stolen, it will be -- they'll find a way. As for #2, I'm not going to be able to take the day off to help, but I'll make time to actually vote. #3 is not compelling. #4? True, but election officials are also overwhelmed by absentee ballots from actual absentee voters. Let's get those processed before able-bodied locals start voting absentee just to get a receipt.

Only in LA. Actually, only in East LA...

The library I sometimes visit after work is a spankin' new county library. Its official grand opening/dedication is this Saturday, and I was handed a flyer on the way out today.

"Join Supervisor Gloria Molina, Cheech Marin & Tony Plana in dedicating a community treasure."

Yeah! See Cheech and a random Cuban character actor dedicate a library!

Last-minute activism, and why I can't vote third-party this time

One of my many complaints this election cycle has been the complete inability of any left-wing or even non-partisan organizations to get me involved. I tried to volunteer for the Dean campaign (yeah, yeah, shaddup) and they never returned my email, only kept me on the list to ask for money. I told Project Vote I'd help however I could; they asked me for money. I told MoveOn I'd help; they asked me for money.

Noticing a trend?

When they did send email out asking for volunteers, it was work I'm not financially or professional able to do, like traveling to a swing state during election week.

MoveOn has finally let me know how I can donate time, not cash. I'm going to help "adopt" a swing state precinct in New Mexico: call people up, give them more information on the issues if they're undecided, pat them on the pack and remind them to vote if they're for Kerry. They estimate that many of these people are new voters who may need this encouragement to actually get out there and pull the lever. This effort will run down my phone card a bit, or perhaps I can borrow some of Rick's cellphone minutes, but it's better than being asked to write a check.

This will mark the first time I've shilled for a candidate since 1992, when I wasn't old enough to vote but knocked on doors for Clinton, handing out pamphlets with the wide-eyed conviction only a teenager can summon up. It was different then, with "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow" running through all our heads, Clinton making us feel like he could turn everything around, and me being too young to know better.

You may be wondering how I can get out there and telemarket for Kerry when I've repeatedly said I'm not that psyched about him. It's partially because I'll never again be naive enough to get as psyched for any opposition candidate as I was for Bill in '92, but just because I'm not super-jazzed about the challenger doesn't mean I shouldn't fight the power. Also, I've accepted that no mainstream presidential candidate will ever be good enough for me because I'm a radical freak -- but in elections as important as this one, "voting my conscience" means voting for the guy most likely to get the incumbant bastard out of there.

Yes, I believed Ralph Nader in 2000 when he told us choosing the lesser of two evils still gives you evil. I believe it now. But it's hard to even metaphorically call Gore or Kerry "evil" now that I've lived through a Bush administration I was politically sophisticated enough to fully understand.

Blink. Smirk. Lie. Repeat.

I finally found the secret to truly enjoying presidential debates: pause it at key moments, and freeze-frame through goofy facial expressions. Damn, Bush looks even more like a smirking chimp in slo-mo. And we caught the moderator in a facial moment that made me wonder if he had an intern hiding under the table. "This is what Mrs. Scheiffer sees," I said, and then laughed at my own joke until I was in physical pain.

Our ideas about what the spot near Bush's lip could have been:
* Food
* Herpes
* Burn from the crack pipe

I went back to the transcript today to gather some statistics and try and remember all the smart-ass comments from last night.

Number of times Bush had to be told his time was up: Two
Number of times Bush said "Massachusetts" like it was a dirty word: Three

* Kerry references to Republicans other than Dubya/Cheney: 6. Reagan (twice), McCain (three times), Tom DeLay. I'm not counting the reference to Cheney's daughter; p.s., who gives a shit anyway, it's not like she was in the closet until then.
* Kerry references to Democrats other than Edwards: 8. FDR (twice), JFK (three times), Clinton (twice), Tom Daschle
* Bush references to Democrats other than Kerry/Edwards: 3, Ted Kennedy (three times)
* Bush references to Republicans other than Cheney: 1, McCain

You knew it was going to be good when it started with a stupid question:

Moderator: "...will our children and grandchildren ever live in a world as safe and secure as the world in which we grew up?"
Oh my god. Safe and secure like the Cuban Missile Crisis? The Cold War? Airplane hijackings and hostage-taking in the 80s? And don't you just mean "an *America* as safe and secure as the one in which we grew up?" Arguably the rest of the world was even more screwed up in plenty of places in years past.

Bush: Yes, we can be safe and secure, if we stay on the offense against the terrorists and if we spread freedom and liberty around the world.
We will do this by sprinkling freedom and liberty like fairy dust. Be free, little countries! Be free!

Bush: As a result of securing ourselves and ridding the Taliban out of Afghanistan, the Afghan people had elections this weekend. And the first voter was a 19-year-old woman. Think about that. Freedom is on the march.
Women can't vote in Saudi Arabia, but we don't care about them. They're our friends. And they're rich.

Kerry: Six months after he said Osama bin Laden must be caught dead or alive, this president was asked, Where is Osama bin Laden? He said, I don't know. I don't really think about him very much. I'm not that concerned.
Bush: Gosh, I just don't think I ever said I'm not worried about Osama bin Laden. It's kind of one of those exaggerations.
By the time I heard this line on my VHS tape, every blogger in the universe had dug up the quote where Bush said just that.

Bush: We're working with Canada to hopefully -- that they'll produce a -- help us realize the vaccine necessary to make sure our citizens have got flu vaccinations during this upcoming season.
So it's okay to get flu shots from Canada, but stay away from their prescription drugs. It's not safe!

Kerry: Children across our country don't have health care. We're the richest country on the face of the planet, the only industrialized nation in the world not to do it.
I will not that this was one of the few times in the debate I whooped and yelled "GO KERRY!" At least he's not consistently mediocre. He has his moments.

Kerry: They just passed an expansion of that loophole in the last few days: $43 billion of giveaways, including favors to the oil and gas industry and the people importing ceiling fans from China.
Who in the what now? Ceiling fans?

Moderator: Mr. President, what do you say to someone in this country who has lost his job to someone overseas who's being paid a fraction of what that job paid here in the United States?
Bush: I'd say, Bob, I've got policies to continue to grow our economy and create the jobs of the 21st century. And here's some help for you to go get an education. Here's some help for you to go to a community college [...] Education is how to help the person who's lost a job.
I said a lot of things about this last night, but this is better.

Kerry: I want you to notice how the president switched away from jobs and started talking about education principally.
Go Kerry, it's your birthday...

Bush: In all due respect, I'm not so sure it's credible to quote leading news organizations about -- oh, never mind. Anyway, let me quote the Lewin report.
That must have been Karl Rove whispering into his earpiece.

Bush: I didn't hear any plan to fix Social Security. I heard more of the same.
Way to steal Kerry's line, jackass.

Bush: Well, to say that the borders are not as protected as they were prior to September the 11th shows he doesn't know the borders. They're much better protected today than they were when I was the governor of Texas.
Um...and that means you're doing a good job as president, or a bad job as governor?

Kerry: The fact is that we now have people from the Middle East, allegedly, coming across the border.
You know, that porous American-Afghan border...

Bush: Listen, the No Child Left Behind Act is really a jobs act when you think about it.
Jobs? Pell grants! What can we do about healthcare? Pell grants! How 'bout them Red Sox? PELL GRANTS!

Bush: I agree, we shouldn't have quotas. But we ought to have an aggressive effort to make sure people are educated, to make sure when they get out of high school there's Pell Grants available for them..."
AARRGGHH.

Is it November yet?

Only in Southern California...

...do you need two cars to take the train to work.

Mmm, sprawl.

Do they move on to Gone With The Wind High School?

Not too long ago, there was a to-do when the Silent Movie Theater in Los Angeles wanted to show "Birth of a Nation." I've never seen it, so I'm not fit to comment, but it seems the good news is that it's a groundbreaking epic film and the bad news is that it makes the Klan look good.

What interests me is that there's a middle school in East LA named after its director. It's cool that LA is enough into movies to have, say, a theater dedicated to silent films...not so much that we're naming mainstream educational institutions after directors.

What's worse is that if this movie is actually a racist piece of shit (again, haven't seen it, don't know), about 2500 non-white kids have to go to a school named after a guy who thought the KKK was hip.

It's LA, after all, so we could even rename it after a different celebrity. I nominate George Lopez.

Political analysis from the dive bar

Recently, I'm cultivating a new habit of walking around the corner to my local bar on Friday evenings when Rick is at a more academic happy hour at school. I chat with the bartender and my neighbors, and read the LA Times when not chatting so I can ignore the TVs at all times.

This past Friday, however, the TVs were playing the presidential debate. I was taping it at home, but watching it in the company of neighborhood souses was incomparable.

The most outspoken patron yelled at the screen, "WHEN ARE WE GOING TO TALK ABOUT FUCKING JOBS AND HEALTHCARE? All that money for Iraq instead of for OUR economy and OUR schools. AND FOR WHAT? THEY NEVER HAD ANY FUCKING WEAPONS!" Then he flipped Dubya a double bird.

Another man agreed, but asked if voting for Kerry was really any better.

"I'm a Republican, but I can't vote for this cocksucker again. Just this once, I'm voting Kerry. I'm voting for the Democrat."

Guy Number Two still wasn't sure he could do it, and said he'd probably stay home this year. Being an Anybody But Bush gal myself, rather than a Kerry fan (plus I'd had a beer by now), I couldn't immediately think of any cogent pro-Kerry arguments, so I told him he should vote anyway, but register his displeasure with the choices by writing in himself or a dream candidate or whoever.

"That's it! I'll write in myself! Mike, from the Porno Party! VOTE PORNO PARTY! A CONDOM IN EVERY KITCHEN!"

I swear, it's not usually this rowdy. The election is definitely raising the aggro level of all and sundry. I had a much higher-level conversation with the genteel mother of two who came in for a cocktail just after the debates ended.

Regardless, I can only hope some swing voters around the nation share the opinions of these disgruntled middle-aged barflies in LA. If the second guy stays home, Bush has still lost two votes, even if Kerry has only gained one.

At least he hasn't groped me yet

A year ago today, California voted to kick out its current governor and bring in an action hero. Embarassing. Not as embarassing as I'd feared it would be, but that's not saying much.

In other words, he's a conservative whackjob, but has also done one or two things I agree with. I'm shocked every time.

The LA Times ran an article a few days ago running down bills Gov. Arnold has vetoed and approved. The good news:
* Electronic ballots will have printouts, but unfortunately, not until 2005.
* Hybrid drivers can use the carpool lane even if they're driving alone. He approved some other environmental legislation, too.
* Same-sex domestic partners get spousal insurance benefits (it's a start).
* People with drug convictions are now eligible for food stamps. (Wait. They weren't before?)
* Pharmacists can sell up to 10 hypodermic needles without a prescription. Considering US drug policy, this is pretty radical. It's nice to see someone in power remembering that AIDS still exists.

Then again, there's the fairly extensive bad news, mostly in the realm of favoring corporate interests over actual people:
* No drivers' licenses for illegals, not because of any legal principle, really, but because Schwarzenegger was afraid terrorists would then infiltrate the country. Right, like all they've been missing is the right to drive legally. That's really keeping them away.
* He vetoed seven of nine bills that would have lowered prescription drug costs.
* He vetoed a bill that would have required employers to let their workers know if management might read their email.
* Hummers are still legal, but ferrets aren't.
* There were five bills that would have tracked and curbed outsourcing. All vetoed.
* Employers in California still don't have to provide maternity benefits (regardless of how you feel about kids, let's at least pretend we live in a wealthy industrializerd society for a minute...)
* He vetoed a bill to raise the minimum wage by fifty cents per hour (at least it's already fairly "high" compared to the rest of the country, even other expensive states. As I've said before, New Jersey ought to be ashamed.)
* Journalists can't interview prison inmates. A bill might have changed that; he vetoed it. I'm wondering, don't we have a bill that covers journalistic freedom? Like, the Bill of Rights? I'll have to look into this further.
* LA's ports are expanding, and Arnold doesn't seem to be allowing any environmental checks on them.
* Smoking will be banned in California prisons. I'd respect this more if it was a Draconian crackdown on prisoner "privileges," but he claimed it was for health reasons. This from the guy who built a smoking tent adjacent to his office, because there's no smoking allowed in the building. Do as I say, not as I do.

And so on.

In conclusion, the state's still standing, he's done very little to get me incredibly outraged, and life here isn't the daily farce I feared it would become. However, it's pretty sad that "he hasn't turned my home into a complete spectacle" is as much as I expect from my elected leaders. Frankly, it's all I want from John Kerry.

Conversation with Rick after catering work on Friday night:

Rick: Where was the gig?
Me: The Autry Museum.

[Yup, LA has a museum named after the singing cowboy, though apparently it's recently changed its name.]

Rick: Dude.
Me: Yeah. Old, rich people in formalwear and cowboy hats. And Pat Sajak as the emcee.
Rick: I see.
Me: And a short concert by Glen Campbell. "I'm a rhinestone cowbooooooyyy...."

Yes, the parade of minor celebrities continues.

The best part is this article describing how the seemingly genteel Mr. Campbell got busted for DUI last year and then kneed the cop.