I just feel I ought to mention that yesterday, on my way from work to jury duty, my bus knocked the driver's side door off a car.

Also, the next person who smugly tells me I could have gotten out of jury duty by saying I'm racist is going to get a boot up the ass.

I'm doing some de-cluttering (which is more like archaeology around this place) and finding some amusing stuff.

Pages from the Sunday coupon section I saved, not for the coupon, but for the hilarity of the product:
* Senior Moment brand advanced dietary supplement
* Asian Sensations wontons, tagline: "Fulfill your wonton desires."
* Almond Munchies (is this what almonds get when they smoke pot, or what you'd get if you smoked almonds?)
* A glorious picture of the Mucinex mascot, Mr. Mucus

Also, I once picked up some propaganda from a rest stop McDonalds. Enlightening quotes:
* "We think of our restaurant as a second home for you and your family."
* "When you choose to purchase our delicious food, you are making an investment in your community."
* "Food quality is a passion at McDonald's."
* "As a result of our longtime commitment to toy safety, McDonald's has donated a one-of-a-kind, computerized 'virtual child' to the United States Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC). Known as 'McBaby,' this safety technology..." Wait a minute! If a McFish is made of fish and a McChicken is made of chicken, what's a McBaby made of?

No news is jury duty news. I guess today I'm thankful I don't have to go, though I look forward to being thankful it's over.

Good news:
1. Jury duty's superfluous 90 minute lunch has already given me ample opportunity to enjoy the Cathedral of our Lady of the Angels, the Japanese American National Museum, little Tokyo, Chinatown, a bahn mi joint that finally gave it to me spicy even though I'm not Asian, and what the LA Weekly food critic swears is the best pho in town. I picture the LA Weekly food critic as a middle-aged, balding man with a gut and a disproportionately attractive wife. He has not yet steered me wrong.
2. In other serindipitous downtowny goodness (as much as downtown LA has any goodness), we went on an awesome walking tour of the old movie theaters on Broadway on Saturday. Hosted by the LA Conservancy, some of it was conducted by pointing at buildings we couldn't enter, but we also got to get inside a bunch of them. Most surreal moment: walking into a tacky electronics store (you know, the kind where the goods feel stolen even if they're not) through a back door that led us to the former theater, with the seats ripped out and now strewn with stereo boxes. Also, the former vaudeville performer at the Orpheum (which still has a working 1920s theater organ) regaling us with stories of Lucille Ball and the Orpheum's ghosts.
3. Then we had lunch at Cole's PE Buffet, serving up heart-stopping cafeteria fare since 1908 - and we didn't even have to dodge any crackheads to get there, unusual for that block. Cole's serves its sandwiches heavy on the au jus, its potato salad heavy on the mayo, and its mac 'n' cheese heavy on the butter. Probably all of it is full of lard. It was goddamn delicious.
4. The bus is giving me a chance to catch up on reading. Death of a Salesman and Cannery Row kick ass. I'm about to resurrect the beer blog solely to post a Cannery Row quote.
5. This is genius, even if the website is a bit broken.

Say hello to juror #8 :(

My master plan is to go to my day job for two hours in the morning, then to jury duty 10:30am-4pm, then to my afternoon job (late) until 7:30pm. All this on the bus, because as much as the LA bus sucks, it sucks less than a 15 minute traffic jam just to get out of the parking structure. So I will spend from 5:30am to 9pm every day either commuting, squeezing out hours, or deciding someone's fate, all for less than $70 a day. Awesome.

The LA courts have gotten really hardcore with their juror selection. No more exemptions for being a student, a parent (unless your kid is younger than school age), a caregiver for an old person, or some poor schmuck like me whose employers won't pay you to be there. Hell, I told them I'd been robbed (which I thought would make the defense dismiss me) and that I had students who'd been arrested (which I thought would make the prosecution dismiss me). Turns out both those scenarios are absolutely nothing by LA standards: I haven't been robbed at gunpoint or carjacked, nor do I have family members in jail.

This had better at least be a juicy trial.

In between CONSTANTLY being questioned about drugs by high schoolers today and having to go to jury frickin' duty tomorrow, I present...
The worst song ever! Yes, even worse than "Hollaback Girl," even worse than (though in the same vein as) Shakira singing "lucky that my breasts are small and humble so you don't confuse them with mountains. Please enjoy My Humps by the Black Eyed Peas. I absolutely dare you to read the whole thing.

[Will.I.Am]
What cha gonna do wit all that junk/All that junk inside your trunk

[Fergie]
I'm gonna get-get-get-get you drunk/Get you love drunk of my hump/My hump my hump my hump my hump my hump my hump my hump my hump/My lovely little lumps/Check it out

[Fergie - 2nd verse]
I drive these brothers crazy/I do it on the daily/They treat me really nicely/They buy me all these ice-ys/Dolce & Gabbana/Fendi and then Donna/Karan, they be sharin/All their money got me wearin/Fly gearrr but I ain't askin/They say they love my ass 'n/Se7en Jeans, True Religion/I say no, but they keep givin/So I keep on takin/And no I ain't taken/We can keep on datin/I keep on demonstrating

[Fergie]/[Will.I.Am]
My love my love my love my love/You love my lady lumps/My hump my hump my hump/My humps they gots chu../(She got me spending)/Oh, spending all your money on me/And spending time on me/(She got me spending)/Oh, spending all your money on me, ah-on me/On me

[Will.I.Am]
What cha gonna do wit all that junk/All that junk inside your trunk

[Fergie]
I'm gonna get-get-get-get you drunk/Get you love drunk of my hump

[Will.I.Am]
What cha gonna do wit all that ass/All that ass inside em jeans

[Fergie]
I'm gonna make-make-make-make you scream/Make you scream/Make you scream

[Fergie]
Cause of my hump/My hump my hump my hump my hump my hump my hump/My lovely lady lumps/Check it out

[Will.I.Am]
I met a girl down at the disco/She said "Hey, hey, hey you let's go/I could be your baby, you can be my honey/Let's spend time, not money/And mix your milk with my coco puffs/Milky, milky coco/Mix your milk with my coco puffs/Milky, milky riiiiiggght"

[Fergie]
They say I'm really sexy/The boys all want to sex me/They always standing next to me/Always dancing next to me/Tryin' to feel my hump, hump/Lookin' at my lump, lump/
You can look/But chu can't touch it/If you touch it, I'm-ah/Start some drama/You don't want no drama/No, no drama/No, no, no drama/So don't pull on my hand, boy/You ain't my man, boy/I'm just tryin' to dance, boy/And move my hump

Oh god, I can't even finish formatting it, it's so awful. The only new line after this is:
"What cha gonna do wit all that breast/All that breast inside that shirt."
Nice pickup line...