There is, however, a downside to the European lack of political correctness: host Ali G is an idiot. He starts the show by ordering his female dancers make out with each other, then he says men holding hands is "disgusting." I know he's pushing buttons, but really. This may be a long night. My concern deepens when even Ben Stiller, presenting the award for Best Group, isn't remotely funny.

Speaking of Best Group, time for the opinion of someone several years outside of MTV's target demographic! (What can I say? I I long to care about stupid bullshit again).

• Destiny's Child. Attitude =! Talent.
• Gorillaz. Cute, but "Best Group?"
• Limp Bizkit. Cathartic, but "Best Group?"
• REM. MTV's nod to people my age.
• U2. MTV's other nod to people my age.

And the winner is...pulled out of a little beer stein. Because the awards show is in Frankfurt, Germany, get it? Anyway, it was Limp Bizkit. I think I saw Michael Stipe crying in the audience. I would cry, too, if I lost to Fred Durst. Durst, 12 minutes into the show, uses the first of George Carlin's 7 dirty words. I love this country.

Now we're treated to Kylie Minogue singing the aptly-titled, annoyingly catchy, completely content-free single "Can't Get You Out Of My Head." Or, for you Weird Al fans out there, "This Song Is Just Six Words Long." America seems not to have been exposed to the Kylie comeback, instead remembering her fondly as the ditz who covered "Locomotion" during the Reagan years. Note that kylieminogue.com is available but kylieminogue.de is bustling. The first time I saw her new video, I mistook her for Britney Spears. Though Kylie probably does not claim to be a virgin.

I must observe that if Ali G continues to mock every award presenter and performer, he's gonna get his dressing room toilet-papered.

And now, Best R&B, a category where my opinion means even less.

• Craig David. Yawn.
• Destiny's Child. Wasn't one nomination enough?!
• Janet Jackson. Is it 1985 already?
• Outkast. I like these guys, so they will lose.
• Wyclef will also lose.

Zzzzzz...sorry, I dozed off there. Craig David.

Limp Bizkit is now singing a Zepplin song with Jimmy Page. Who put the LSD in my dinner?

Ali G cleverly introduces Dido as "Dildo." What's this, fourth grade? Dido, breaking the fine tradition of Kylie Minogue and the Ali G dancers, does not perform in her skivvies.

And here's Best Dance...

• Basement Jaxx. Not bad.
• Daft Punk. Also not bad. Someone, pinch me.
• Gorillaz. This must be some new definition of "dance music" I was previously unaware of.
• Faithless! Faithless! Faithless!
• Roger Sanchez. Whatever. Faithless! Faithless!

Because I am over 24 years old, my preferred nominee loses loses. Apparently, one can dance to the Gorillaz. Gorillaz collect their award and give a political speech -- dammit, I'm trying to care about stupid bullshit here!

Next up: Best Male, presented by Eddie Grant and a former Spice Girl.

• Craig David. I'm still yawning.
• Eminem. He's talented and all, but do we really have to keep encouraging him? I say we withhold all future musical honors until he stops the misogynist crap.
• Ricky Martin. Oy.
• Robbie Williams. This man should not be allowed to breathe air.
• Shaggy. Screw this. Can I vote for Eddie Grant?

Much like in the 2000 US presidential election, we got the least appealing of several unappealing candidates. Robbie Williams go home!

Adding insult to injury, now we have to sit through a Jay-Z performance. Here's my homage:
Jay to the izzo
Z to the izzay
This guy's boring
Time to check my email
Hey, it's no worse than his rhymes, and I'd rather rap about my email than about bitches and hos.

The next performer is Basement Jaxx, and if this is what their new album sounds like, it's no wonder they lost Best Dance to Gorillaz. Small favors: their female performers are fully-clothed.

While we're on the subject of females...

• Janet Jackson. Shouldn't she and Bono be taking out their dentures at this time of night?
• Mariah Carey. I will not make fun of the mentally ill. I will not make fun of the mentally ill...
• Dido. She should win to make up for Ali G's dumb joke about her name.
• J to the izzo, Lo to the izzay. Aren't her 15 minutes of fame over yet?
• Madonna. Where's my cane, sonny boy?

It's Jennifer Lopez. The horror! The horror!

10pm update: Ali G is still an idiot.

Best Video is presented by Pink, whose tagline should be "Career by Victoria's Secret." Does this woman own clothes?

• The Avalanches, "Since I Left You." Who? Apparently they're Australian.
• Fatboy Slim, "Weapon of Choice." Christopher Walken is fucking in heaven.
• Gorillaz. I'm still bitter about that Best Dance incident.
• Outkast, "Ms. Jackson." Yeah! We need more head-noddin' animals in rap videos.
• Robbie Williams, "Supreme." Die die die!

Winner: Australian for "Best Video." Dang, I've never heard of the band that won Best Video. Now I'm feeling older than Madonna and Michael Stipe put together.

If you're ready for an award category as boneheaded as Ali G with a lobotomy, let's proceed to Best Website. It's fan voted, so we're basically looking for the band with the most wired fanbase. Goodie.

• Gorillaz. Christ, who at MTV did they pay off?
• Limp Bizkit. Their fans are angry teenage boys. They'll win.
• Daft Punk. They'll lose , even if they do give interviews in robot suits.
• Depeche Mode. I will not continue to make age jokes. I will not continue to make age jokes...
• U2. Ibid.

Limp Bizkit -- can I call 'em, or what? Durst proclaims, "I fuckin' love this place, man!" I just think he loves to say "fuckin'" on live TV.

Back in the land of real categories, Alicia Keys and the guy from Wheatus present Best Song, after the guy from Wheatus gets done drooling and fawning. Just send her a Valentine, dude.

• Eminem, or was it Dido? "Stan."
• Gorillaz, "Clint Eastwood." I'm starting to suspect a conspiracy.
• Women in Skivvies Speaking High-School French, "Lady Marmalade."
• Crazytown, "Butterfly." More tattoos than Henry Rollins!
• Destiny's Child, "Survivor." Someone buy these women a thesaurus.

The winner is...Gorillaz. Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Scully?

My mind must have been completely anesthetized by the time Rammstein came on screaming in German and playing with flamethrowers, because I barely blinked. Lest I numb your brain in the same way, I'll sign off here, too. One final word: if any of my male readers ever run into Ali G, do me a favor and kiss him.