You'd think that "women's magazines" and "Lifetime Television for Women" would be enough to teach me that the word "women's" does not mean "feminist." But no. I never learn. I'm wasn't sure what to expect when I trekked hopefully to the New England Women's Health Expo, but clearly I was expecting too much.

The event, held at Boston's mammoth Bayside Expo Center, reminded me of the only computer-industry trade show I've ever attended: booths full of people handing out random free items in hopes of selling you something later. Sure, there were a few more women running these booths than I saw at the geek expo -- but not many more.

Now, I'm going to tell you what I found. Why? Because I'm bitter, and it will sure help THIS woman's health to vent her spleen a bit. Plus, if I can save one woman from the trauma this thing caused me, I will have done more for women's health than every expo booth put together.

Women and/or Health?

Plenty of the booths were just plain irrelevant. Cellular phones? Credit cards? Investment firms? A giant Chevy van parked right in the expo center? What does this have to do with women's health? I guess women can be used to make businesses' profits healthier. Call me cynical.

I could also learn how to go to beauty school -- two different schools were represented, so I guess this can be construed as "pro-choice." I could throw a Tupperware party, or sign up for a temp job at an agency ironically named "Manpower." This still has nothing to do with health, but at least now they're aiming for the "women" part. Isn't it cute that the women these days want to have their little jobs? Like selling Tupperware and cutting hair? Welcome to Stereotype Hell. Have a drink -- how about a Diet Coke?

Speaking of saccharine, the winners of the "most annoying health expo trend" award were the uncountable amount of companies devoted to electrolysis, makeup, plastic surgery, wrinkle removal, cosmetic dentistry, and, of course dieting. Personally, I don't want to hear "breast implants" and "health" in the same sentence, unless the sentence is "breast implants are bad for your health."

In the interest of open-mindedness, I tried to give the Herbalife diet people a chance. I sampled their diet peanut butter bars after one of their representatives accosted me. Not surprisingly, it was nasty and dry. I declined to fill out a card with my name, contact information, and amount of weight I want to lose. Ugh.

Reproductive Health = Breeding

I guess I expected a bit more "My body, my choice" and a bit less "Be fruitful and multiply." A bit more birth control and a few less fertility clinics (octuplets, anyone?). My head swam from the number of tables with names like "Club Mom" and "Family First."

All this emphasis on Mommy-hood was giving me a bad case of indigestion, so I was happy to find a Tums booth. It turns out that Tums are made by the same people that make the EPT pregnancy test. I took a goodie bag, which contained a pregnancy test but no Tums. It did have an informational pamphlet plugging Tums, on the grounds that Tums have added calcium, and calcium is good for your fetus. Gee, thanks.

And, if you can't have a baby because you don't have a husband yet, Successful Singles is there to help. Attempting to tie their services in with the theme of the expo, they ask "What's healthier than a committed, loving relationship?" Way, way in the back of the expo center was the Abortion Access Project. The Fenway Community Health Center was scheduled to attend, but they were nowhere to be found. And, absent from the expo entirely, was the organization that is synonymous with "women's health" for so many of us: Planned Parenthood.

Survey Says...

I was about to leave when I remembered there was an exit survey to fill out. Rejoice! Then I looked at the survey. End rejoicing. It was a demographics nightmare on a touch-screen computer. Do I watch Rosie O'Donnell, ER, or Ally McBeal? Do I read Glamour, Vogue, or Cosmo? There was no opportunity for real feedback, just multiple-choice. Vague multiple-choice, at that -- if I say I'm interested in "reproductive issues" will they assume I want more baby-making booths next year?

My favorite TV shows and radio stations weren't listed, and the only magazine on the list I read was Sojourner. As a twenty-something feminist, I don't think I was the demographic they were looking for. But then, a walk around the expo center was enough to tell me that. At least I got a heart-shaped stress ball for filling out the exit survey. I needed it.

A Women's Health Expo By Any Other Name...

Go ahead and have all this irrelevant stuff, but call it "The Women's Health, Beauty, and Lifestyle Expo." Or go ahead and have all the fluff, but try harder to court non-profits and feminist organizations that are actually concerned with helping women, not taking advantage of our buying power.

True, the woman- and gay-friendly Fenway Community Health Center was (supposed to be) there. The women's homeless shelter Rosie's Place was (supposedly) there, though I never saw them. Maybe Rosie and the FCHC flew the coop together when they got a look at the other booths.

They could have warned me on the way out.

1999 Update!

Someone up there is listening. This event is now called, more appropriately, Health & Beauty Days. I'm sure the event is no less insipid, but at least these days there's some truth in the advertising.