Unfortunately, I can't be friends with everyone. (Too bad for you; I throw good parties). But I'm going to spread the word anyway: even intelligent, computer-savvy people unwittingly send out "spam" (junk email) all the time. We're not just talking about good-luck chain letters or lightbulb jokes. The spam I'm referring to is subtle and insidious, because it looks important.

Why Virus Warnings Don't Matter

We've all seen these. "If you receive email with the subject line of "ENGLISHMAJOR.COM," don't open it, or it will crash your computer, default on your student loans, and burn your copy of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." These have been traveling the 'net forever. You've probably seen some common virus hoaxes like " Good Times" and "Win A Holiday."

This is the easiest type of important-looking spam to deal with because it's always, always fake. Why? Because it's physically impossible to get a computer virus by reading an email messages, no matter what the subject line is. An email message is a text file, and it can't hurt your computer. Don't just take my word for it; this fact is backed up by the CIAC (Computer Incident Advisory Capability) of the U.S. Department of Energy. (I know you probably don't trust the government either, but this time they're right). (UPDATE: There is now a type of virus that can be spread via Outlook or Outlook Express even if you don't open the attachment. But this is uncommon, and most frantic-sounding virus warnings won't be referring to this type of thing, so don't worry about it. If you're really concerned, don't use Outlook!)

You do want to watch out for email attachments, which actually can hurt you computer. If you get an attached file, even a Word file, it could give you a computer disease that lives on the sender's computer. This isn't as bad as it sounds. Just keep a good anti-virus program around (like Norton Antivirus, which you can download at this site) and disinfect your computer occasionally. If you get an executable file (one that ends in .exe -- or, for you Mac people, beware of .sit files, which can become dangerous executables when unstuffed), be extremely wary. These can do some real damage, so don't open these if they come from strangers, even chummy strangers who know your name and use subject lines like "Remember me?". Keep an eye on executables from friends, too. Ask them what it is before you run it.

Got it? Okay, on to email petitions.

Petitions: Be Skeptical

It's hard to distrust something so well-meaning. Sign and forward this email to save NPR funding. If you're the 100th signature on this petition, send it to me and together we'll stop hate crimes. If you don't forward this petition, Very Bad Things will happen to the world.

Hard to resist, eh? Ignore your activist guilt and think about this for a minute. There are a few things to look for when you get one of these pleas for world peace and warm fuzzies for all.

Legitimate petitions will have an expiration date -- or at least a date of some sort! I've gotten plenty of petitions urging action on issues that have already been decided (some of which were probably legitimate petitions at one time!). You can check the status of legislation at this site; most non-scam petitions claiming to support/oppose legislation will mention a bill number you can look up.

Next, look for a web link. Email doesn't exist in a vacuum, and at this point in Internet history, most causes that warrant a petition will warrant a website, too. Most "real" organizations, political or social, will have their own domain name. For instance, moveon.org is a real organization, while www.geocities.com/Neighborhood/3.14/joeschmoe/dontimpeachtheprez.html is fishy.

You also want to watch out for petitions that invoke the names of well-known organizations. Does a petition claim to be affiliated with PBS? Check the PBS website for mention of it. Any current web site would mention the 'net petition -- if it's legit. You can find organizations' official web sites with any search engine. Yahoo! is a nice easy one, even if you don't have much experience with the web.

Finally, when a petition claims it will forward something to an elected official on your behalf, skip the middleman and email your officials yourself. Then you know for sure that your message is getting across. You can look up the email addresses of your Congesspeople here. The prez's address will always be president@whitehouse.gov; the VP's address will always be vice.president@whitehouse.gov. (No, these people don't read their own email, but they don't open their own letters or answer their own phones, either, and they certainly don't read their own petitions).

In general, I say "forget petitions." If you want to be a 'net activist, sign up for mailing lists of political groups whose positions you agree with. Many activist organizations have "action" lists that tell you about current issues and who you can email to make your voice heard. You'll know for sure you're not getting spammed.

Of course, if you really want to take action, you'll turn off your computer and go out and do something.

Money for Nothing, and Your Spam for Free

It's nice to believe that big corporations have all of a sudden decided to give you, the Little Guy, free money. That's the idea behind the "Email Tracking" spam. These messages claim that by means of some dubious technology -- insert impressive-sounding but meaningless technical buzzwords here -- Microsoft or some other behemoth can tell when you're forwarding email, and will reward you for your effort.

They go something like this:
Microsoft has introduced a new email tracking system. This email is a beta test of the new software. For each person you send this email to, you will be given $5. For every person they give it to, you'll get $3. For every person they send it to you will receive $1. Microsoft will tally all the emails produced under your name and send you lots of cash bucks.

First of all, that isn't how email tracking systems work. Secondly, ever heard of a "pyramid scheme?" (Hint: They're bogus and illegal, and won't make you any money). Third, Bill Gates does fund scholarships and participate in other philanthropic ventures, but paying you to send spam isn't one of them.

There's a variation in which "Walt Disney Jr" claims to be working with Microsoft. Same "email tracking" ruse, but this time you'll get a trip to Disney World!!! Wow!!! Variations now exist for every company that you could ever hope to receive money or free products from. These are bogus even if some friend-of-a-friend claims to have called Disney himself or personally received a Microsoft check. Corporate America is not your friend.

Links

Virus Links

• You can always get the latest on virus hoaxes (and other computer-related urban legends) here from IBM or Symantec.
• Wondering what to believe, in general? All sorts of urban legends live at Snopes.com
• Download antivirus software here.